I was glad to see old Charlie Street up and about the other afternoon. I was doing a bit of weeding on the old bank behind my place when I heard him calling up from down below on the cycle path. He made a joke "You can come and do mine when you've finished that". I told him he couldn't afford me. Jokes a joke. As I was just finishing up I asked him if he wanted to come in for a drop or two of the Ostlers that I was given at the wassailing do a few weeks back. Lovely stuff. Charlie wheeled his bike in and we sat down on the porch with our juice and a view out over the Taw delta. I was happy enough to sit there in the glorious spring sunshine and take it all in while Charlie mumbled and muttered on about his recent aliments. Turns out he'd been off his legs for sometime, some sort of mystery virus, shingles or something. They couldn't do anything for him up at the NDI but after spending a while up at Exeter he was now on the mend and glad to get back on his bike. I told him he looked the picture of health and he'd be back to his old self in no time with a bit of exercise and some . "Be bugger it comes to us all" was he's response. I told him I had a way to go before I caught up with him as he must be near eighty if a day.
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| Crime scene |
He then started telling me about his step nephew, Cain who had been in trouble with the law recently. I know the bloke he meant, hapless little sod if ever there was one. Always furtively darting about the town lanky greasy haired to say he looked like a ferret would do ferrets a diservice. The same thing goes for weasels. Always in trouble, been in and out of prison for one thing or another countless times. Nice lad really just a bit dim. Not quite the full quid as the Aussies say, an expression which would have been all too familiar to Cain if had committed his crime 150 year ago. If he wasn't in prison he'd be on community service He'd cut the back the whole of the Old Stickepath Hill and cleaned out all the rubbish that the students had tossed into the bank over the course of one summer with the amount of hours he was sentenced to put in. They say he single-handedly keeps the old folks home up at Hele in a fine state of repair. Anyway it turns out that this time he is facing prison once again and the judge is not going to be so lenient with him now that all of his five or six kids, I think it is, have started school. Also, the Devon and Cornwall Constabulary want to make an example of him as he is a "prolific thief" and they wish to illustrate the effectiveness of the new advances in technology that they have at their disposal to detect crime and apprehend criminals.
Turns out the daft bugger had joined a fitness club down at Mill Road and after one zumba session he stayed behind in the changing rooms till closing time when he ventured out and proceeded to empty the vending machine of a few dozen cans of Lucozade Sport and a heap of loose change before making his escape by way of a conveniently open toilet window. After fleeing the scene of the crime and weighed down by his swag he had the none too bright idea of breaking into a garden shed and stealing a wheelbarrow to help him cart it all back home. He obviously made it without raising any suspicion as by the time the police arrived at both crime scenes the perpetrator was gone. To start off with the police had nothing to go on, no fingerprints, no witnesses nothing just two seemingly unrelated crimes save for being committed within a similar time frame and location. However, just as they were finishing a sweep of the garden crime scene an eagle-eyed copper discovered a discarded can of Lucozade Sport which had been flung into a flowerbed. They had the lead they had been looking for and a link between the two crimes was soon established. Cain must have got thirsty carting off his load and with the added effort involved in breaking into the shed he must have opened one of the cans in order to isotonically replenish his energy. Now comes the the clever part. The Policeman then suggested to the Scene of Crime Officer, SOCO, that maybe they could scan the can and see if any DNA could be found which could provide a match with DNA stored on the national database. At first they laughed him off not really appreciating the input of a uniform plod, but the officer insisted, believing that this would be the only way that chummy would be nabbed.So reluctantly the can was sent off for analysis. And a few days later it turned out that a match had been found and it was none other than Charlies' errant step-nephew. Over the course of his criminal history young Cain has provided enough DNA samples to get himself cloned. He is now up at Exeter on remand awaiting sentencing. If it weren't for the dogged persistence of the officer on the beat Cain would now still be at large rather than behind bars where, according to the local newspaper which carried the sensational case on it's front page, he belongs.
It's amazing what they can do with technology these days. After Charlie recounted this yarn it put my mind to thinking. I hope they don't try and extend this DNA database, testing for all, and start looking back into unsolved crimes as I could be truly for it. That was a chilling thought. Not that I have ever done anything too bad, just run of the mill country stuff, opportunistic stuff. No harm done. I reckon there must be a few evidence bags stashed away in the cold case unit up at Police Headquarters in Heavitree with my DNA all over the contents. Just my luck if some jobs-worth with a DNA tester takes another look at that old shoe that was found stuck in a bog out at ............. I'm not that mazed I could put myself right in it. Hah they couldn't do that do that, could they? It doesn't bare thinking about.
I kept my thoughts to myself as Charlie and I finished off the Ostler's while discussing potential advances in crime detecting technology. I've seen that police proceedural programme CSI a few times and Charlie's missus is a fan. So we mused on the idea, which isn't too daft, of a North Devonian version of the popular crime franchise. Instead of CSI: Las Vegas you would have CSI: Ilfracombe, CSI: Miami could be CSI: Westward Ho! CSI: New York, CSI North Devon. I might mention to this to my media mates at Taw Valley Video. I could be on to something here
